When My Brain Wouldn't Switch Off

Hi, I'm Luca and I'm 16 years old, and for a long time I didn't really understand that what I was experiencing was anxiety. I just thought I was someone who worried too much.

It started with little things. I'd worry about school, whether I'd done an assignment properly, whether a teacher was going to ask me a question I didn't know the answer to, or whether I'd said something stupid to one of my friends. Most of the time I'd know that I was probably overthinking it, but knowing that didn't actually make the thoughts stop. Then it started happening more often.

I'd lie in bed at night and go over conversations I'd had during the day, wondering whether I'd sounded weird or whether someone had been annoyed with me. Sometimes I'd start worrying about something that hadn't even happened yet, and before I knew it, I'd imagined about ten different ways it could go wrong. I'd tell myself to stop thinking about it, but that usually just made me think about it more.

The worst part was that nobody could really see it. At school, I was still joking around with my friends and playing sport. I wasn't walking around looking miserable, so I don't think anyone realised how much effort it sometimes took just to act normal. There were mornings when I would sit in the car outside school and feel like I couldn't make myself get out. My heart would be racing, my stomach would feel awful and I'd suddenly be thinking about everything that could go wrong that day. I'd usually get out anyway. Then I'd spend the rest of the day wondering why something as simple as walking into school felt so difficult.

For a while, I didn't tell anyone because I thought it sounded stupid. I couldn't really explain why I was anxious, because half the time there wasn't one particular thing causing it. I was worried about school, friends, the future, my family, things happening in the world, things that might happen years from now. Sometimes I was anxious about being anxious, because I'd start thinking, What if this never stops?

Eventually, mum noticed that I wasn't sleeping properly and asked me what was going on. I tried to brush it off at first, but she kept asking, and eventually I told her that I felt like my brain wouldn't switch off. That was the first time I realised I didn't have to figure it all out by myself.

I started talking to someone about it, and one of the things that helped me most was learning that anxiety doesn't always mean something is actually wrong. Sometimes my brain was trying to protect me by preparing for every possible problem, even when there wasn't a problem in front of me.

I'm still learning how to manage it. I still have days where the worrying gets loud again, and I still sometimes lie awake thinking about things that probably won't matter tomorrow. But now, when it happens, I don't automatically assume that something is wrong with me. I remind myself that I've felt this way before, and I've gotten through it before.